Unemployed?

I’ll start off by saying that Tally Hall in NO WAY endorses the use of fake identities.  Seriously.

That said,  I’m sorry that I didn’t post this earlier.  It could have been indispensable over Thanksgiving break.  Alas, all is not lost, the holiday season is still upon us.  Here goes:

So I had just finished doing some grocery shopping and was walking out of Trader Joe’s when a rogue homeless man locked eyes with me from across the street.  We acknowledged each other, but I quickly averted my gaze and turned towards the subway entrance.  Just then, the ground started shaking and I felt a slight breeze coming from inside the station.  My train was arriving!  I ran down the steps, swiped my metro card, slid down the rail (bypassing at least ten people, not to brag) and leapt into the train just before the doors closed.

After catching my breath (and a quick bout of people watching), I leaned back and thought about the man I had just seen from across the street.  Something about him was off.  He was a broad, sturdy looking fellow wearing a full length, black, weather-battered cape.  But his face was oddly pristine.  He had a perfectly groomed beard and pearly-white, almost twinkling teeth.  Weird.  I looked down at what I had just purchased and saw a bag of chips and thought to myself, “Mmmm, a bag of chips.”  So I opened the chips, started eating them and totally forgot about the man.

I exited the subway and crossed the street while rummaging in my coat pocket for my keys.  Found ‘em!  I scanned the street for people who might look like thieves waiting to pounce on me.  All clear.  As I was unlocking my door, I noticed a shadow out of the corner of my eye and looked up.  It was the same arguably homeless man.  He approached me very slowly.  It was kind of awkward actually, because it took so much time for him to get to me and we were just staring at each other.  But before I could say a single word, he swiped a small white object out of his pants and said, “This is your ticket to success, son.”  He put the object in my hand and stood there with a look of assurance, slowly nodding.  Still facing me, he backed up slowly, shed his cape to reveal a mint-condition, red plaid tuxedo, and turned and walked off into the horizon.  I looked down to see what he had handed me:

 

I climbed the stairs to my apartment in a state of total shock.  I was bewildered.  I couldn’t think clearly about what had just happened so I took a nap.  When I woke up, it dawned on me.  It was the only thing that made sense.  I had just met THE Trader Joe.  I grabbed the card a took a closer look.  This card was not an average card.  It was a fill-in-the-blank style, choose your own adventure card.  I had been specifically chosen by Trader Joe for this task.  So I did it. I filled out the card:

 

And that’s pretty much the end of my story.  So far it hasn’t really helped me that much.  I tried to use it at a bar once as a joke and that didn’t go over too well.  Turns out you can get these cards at pretty much any Trader Joe’s.  And now I’ve finally arrived at the silver lining.  You, the reader, can use these cards to embark on your very own adventures.  Perhaps as a great way to avoid admitting you’re unemployed, or as a way to play HILARIOUS pranks on your friends.  Maybe, just maybe, that’s the gift that he was giving me.

 

UPDATE:  Andrew, who is standing over my shoulder reading this, just said this entry should be nominated “Story of the Week”.  I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not, but I totally accept.  Thanks man.


784 Responses to “Unemployed?”

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    The Ballad of Trader Joe.

  2. Tally Hall Blog » Blog Archive » Unemployed? | debttally.com Says:

    [...] Tally Hall Blog » Blog Archive » Unemployed? [...]

  3. Andrea Says:

    Would it be fitting to mention a mysterious Trader Joe’s gift card turning up in the mail? Addressed to a certain someone, $50. No one will claim … gift-giver-ship. (?).

    It must have been TRADER JOE HIMSELF.

    I feel enlightened. Also, full of delicious organic stuff!

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    Your Welcome.

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    You have my vote Zube! No need to be modest. Rail sliding and people passing are brag worthy feats.

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    Zubin, that beard is quite impressive. If I were a man I would be incredibly jealous.
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    Nevermind.

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