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What is going on with my cactus? A mysterious growth has occurred.

P.S. Beethoven says, “Happy Chanukah” and “Merry Christmas.” But mostly he just stares…

…except when’s the last time you heard the wind say, “I’m sorry”?

I’ll start off by saying that Tally Hall in NO WAY endorses the use of fake identities.  Seriously.

That said,  I’m sorry that I didn’t post this earlier.  It could have been indispensable over Thanksgiving break.  Alas, all is not lost, the holiday season is still upon us.  Here goes:

So I had just finished doing some grocery shopping and was walking out of Trader Joe’s when a rogue homeless man locked eyes with me from across the street.  We acknowledged each other, but I quickly averted my gaze and turned towards the subway entrance.  Just then, the ground started shaking and I felt a slight breeze coming from inside the station.  My train was arriving!  I ran down the steps, swiped my metro card, slid down the rail (bypassing at least ten people, not to brag) and leapt into the train just before the doors closed.

After catching my breath (and a quick bout of people watching), I leaned back and thought about the man I had just seen from across the street.  Something about him was off.  He was a broad, sturdy looking fellow wearing a full length, black, weather-battered cape.  But his face was oddly pristine.  He had a perfectly groomed beard and pearly-white, almost twinkling teeth.  Weird.  I looked down at what I had just purchased and saw a bag of chips and thought to myself, “Mmmm, a bag of chips.”  So I opened the chips, started eating them and totally forgot about the man.

I exited the subway and crossed the street while rummaging in my coat pocket for my keys.  Found ‘em!  I scanned the street for people who might look like thieves waiting to pounce on me.  All clear.  As I was unlocking my door, I noticed a shadow out of the corner of my eye and looked up.  It was the same arguably homeless man.  He approached me very slowly.  It was kind of awkward actually, because it took so much time for him to get to me and we were just staring at each other.  But before I could say a single word, he swiped a small white object out of his pants and said, “This is your ticket to success, son.”  He put the object in my hand and stood there with a look of assurance, slowly nodding.  Still facing me, he backed up slowly, shed his cape to reveal a mint-condition, red plaid tuxedo, and turned and walked off into the horizon.  I looked down to see what he had handed me:

I climbed the stairs to my apartment in a state of total shock.  I was bewildered.  I couldn’t think clearly about what had just happened so I took a nap.  When I woke up, it dawned on me.  It was the only thing that made sense.  I had just met THE Trader Joe.  I grabbed the card a took a closer look.  This card was not an average card.  It was a fill-in-the-blank style, choose your own adventure card.  I had been specifically chosen by Trader Joe for this task.  So I did it. I filled out the card:

And that’s pretty much the end of my story.  So far it hasn’t really helped me that much.  I tried to use it at a bar once as a joke and that didn’t go over too well.  Turns out you can get these cards at pretty much any Trader Joe’s.  And now I’ve finally arrived at the silver lining.  You, the reader, can use these cards to embark on your very own adventures.  Perhaps as a great way to avoid admitting you’re unemployed, or as a way to play HILARIOUS pranks on your friends.  Maybe, just maybe, that’s the gift that he was giving me.

UPDATE:  Andrew, who is standing over my shoulder reading this, just said this entry should be nominated “Story of the Week”.  I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not, but I totally accept.  Thanks man.

REAL

This week I learned about two dangers, one real and one not really a danger at all.

First, let me point out that banana peel slippage is REAL. Very real. I saw a woman fall flat on her face in the subway a couple of days ago. I didn’t capture the event on video, but I did take a picture of the peel shortly after the accident.

I was tempted to ask for an interview, but I think she was embarrassed. I know the feeling. This happened to me several years ago. It hurt and I felt embarrassed. Your entire life flashes before your eyes. People, beware. It could happen to you.

NOT REALLY A DANGER AT ALL

Now, let’s take a look at the predator known as sharks. How many times have you swam in the ocean with the thought of a shark attack?

According to this article, sharks only kill about 10 people a year. Not that many, considering humans kill around 100 MILLION SHARKS A YEAR!!!!!!!!! In fact, sharks might be becoming extinct. So instead of worrying about this little guy,

maybe you should focus your fears on…

or…

and mostly…

Have a safe day.

Some time ago, our friend and artist Mindy Steffen started work on a Tally Hall comic book. Presented now, for the approval of the Midnight Society, is Part I of her saga entitled “Welcome to Tally Hall.”

Stay tuned for Part II.

For more art by Mindy, see http://multi-artist.blogspot.com/ or http://www-personal.umich.edu/~steffenm/.

Question:  What do you do when you find yourself with a lack of available seating?  (As was the case with our practice space)

Answer:  You purchase something like this…

Question:  Where does one go to purchase the above stool?

Answer:  Ikea.  Which looks like this…

Questions:  What happens when Ikea reaches the bottom of the barrel in product naming?

Answer:  This…